confessions: a look inside my high school locker

No, I'm not in high school. And no, I don't still have a locker. I do have 11 incredible young ladies in my life who do, however, and I know there are a billion others out there in the same shoes - looking into their freshman locker, maybe even on tiptoes, wondering what the next four years hold.

I'm not going to pretend I'm an expert, because I'm not. I have been in those shoes, though, and so have many of my friends. I wonder, what would it look like to crack open that locker that I kept closed and hidden? What would you see if I showed you around? I'm thinking that perhaps if I reveal some secrets, wisdom, tricks and confessions, those staring into an empty locker today may have some insight into their next four years.

I hope you have realized that I'm not really talking about my locker here - I'm talking about my heart. I remember thinking as a freshman in high-school that this was it. I had finally arrived. Now the world was at my fingertips. Finally, I had a blank canvas to start painting on. I was thrilled and terrified all at once.

It is exciting!! You are at a crossroads - physically maturing into young men and women, emotionally deciding what you think about love, life, family and friends, and spiritually changing as your parents' faith becomes your own. Wow. What a pivotal time in your life. Which is why I decided to start this series.

Confessions. Each week I will be opening up a different locker. Many will be my own and some will be second-hand stories of people I know, and then even more will be those that I ask to join me in writing their own stories. And that's all I want to do. I don't want to teach or preach, there are other times and places for that. I want to share stories - stories from the hearts of former high schoolers who have been in those shoes, peeking into large, dark, scary lockers.

Some topics that you can be sure to see: confessions: i think i'm fat, confessions: i made a "B" so i failed, confessions: my friend wants to kill herself, confessions: my parents are too strict....etc.

My hope and my prayer is that freshmen, high schoolers, youth and teens will read some of these stories and find hope - hope that they're not the first person to feel this way, hope that their story doesn't have to look like these, hope that if their story does look like these then there is a way out. And I hope you find Jesus.

I have to warn you, my locker was really messy. My heart was messy too. But behind all the mess - the passed notes, the passing grades, the failed relationships and the hurtful friendships - I want to show you Jesus, because He was there the whole time. I promise you will find Him in any locker, no matter how messy, knocking on the door of every heart...because He loves you deeply.

Isaiah 30:21 "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the Way, walk in it.'"

20/20.

Nostalgia has a way of making the strongest man or woman weak - suddenly overcome with love, memories, joy, sadness, regret. Looking back, we see things in a very different light. Oh how I hate the saying "hindsight is 20/20," but it haunts all of us so much of the time. Part of me disagrees with that statement. I think hindsight is 20/40 or 20/80 - ridiculous clarity that is only afforded to us when all is said and done. And yet, it feels as though we strive for 20/20 in the present, as if that will prevent us from making mistakes, from having regret.

What about those moments we are in where we just can't see around the bend, the corner has yet to appear, the clouds have yet to break. We call these steps of Faith, and our lives are full of them; it's what keeps us reaching our hand out into the darkness to grasp the hand of our Savior, our God, our friend. 20/20 vision in these moments is a privilege and a rarity.

If we had 20/20 vision when we were struggling at the crossroads, there would be no struggle, no crossroads, and no cry for help. I believe the Holy Spirit is the closest tool we have to attaining perfect vision in a foggy world, becoming our corrective lenses, if you will. Even then, a leap of Faith is just that - a leap into the unknown with the assurance that our God is waiting to catch us...waiting to catch us in His arms should we leap in the right direction, and waiting to grab our hand to rescue us should we choose the wrong path.

As "adults" now, we pray and pray for greater and better vision as it comes to the decisions we have yet to make. We also pray for that for our children and the youth in our lives, almost as if we want to impress upon them our 20/80 glasses that have looked into our pasts, saying, "Here you go, look through these, they will take you far. You can learn from my decisions and my mistakes without having to take a leap." I exaggerate of course. I know full well from teachers in my past that good instruction and good discipleship complements and strengthens faith. But just like I have a story woven in my past - of leaps and falls in the dark - so these children and youth have similar stories ahead of them.

What a treasure lies before them in the darkness, where they can build their faith, pray to their Creator, walk gingerly along the edges of cliffs, and then boldly emerge on the other side with scars - wounds healed by a loving and sovereign God. I forget too often that the God who held my hand in the darkness will also take and hold theirs.

My vision is less than perfect, and even knowing the past failures, it is a struggle in the present to continually step out in faith, but I find that each day it's easier. That is our prayer for future generations, is it not? That their Faith would be an unwavering light in the darkness. I pray for grace in the moments of Truth, grace in the moments of doubt, grace in the moments of hesitation. Most of all, I pray that they would understand the grace the Father has for us whether he catches us in his arms or snatches us from the snares of the evil one.

It's this grace that surpasses even the most powerful magnifying glass in clarity and foresight. What a gift to these feeble eyes.

.......................................

2 Corinthians 12:8-9
Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Acts 4:33
And with great power the apostles were giving their testimony to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and great grace was upon them all.

Matthew 21:21
Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done.

“Intoxicated with unbroken success, we have become too self sufficient to feel the necessity of redeeming and preserving grace, too proud to pray to the God that made us.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

flashback friday: love wins.

Thank goodness for Fridays. I have been thinking a lot lately about our relationship with the Lord, how a human can commune with God, and how that looks day to day. I wanted to re-visit a post I wrote in college (prior to Rob Bell's book, might I add). Love Wins. The "love" I refer to is the Agape Love of Christ, and even Christ embodied as the true picture of love. This is an absolute picture of Truth winning in our lives, not an emotional description of a relative feeling. It was good for me to be reminded of what God showed me in 2007.

LOVE WINS

I was studying today, and my friend walked up to share a table with me. I paused to talk for a moment as she pulled out her laptop. The sticker on the cover read "LOVE WINS." Those words were all I could think about for the rest of the day.

Love wins. I have a friend who calls me no matter how long it's been since the last time we've talked. She will often call me three or four times before I call her back. I would think that she would be so frustrated with me by now. We laugh about it when we get together. Her love is greater than my shortcomings. It always wins.

Love wins. I was locked out of my house the other day, and at 1:30 in the morning, I woke up my roommate who had a test the next day to let me in. The next morning, she gave me a huge hug as usual, as if I had never been thoughtless enough to forget my key and selfish enough to disturb her sleep. She never fails me.

Love wins. I say this not because I see it overcoming all in my life, because I definitely don't love like my two friends do. I say this because these words are weighted with hope - hope that my battles are not in vain.

Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting so hard to love others, and sometimes I'm fighting to let others love me. Other times, I'm just fighting for God's love to penetrate my hard heart and warm me from the inside out. It seems in vain. It seems like I'm losing all the time. I feel like I'm never reaching the full potential of love.

That's just the thing, though. I'm not reaching the potential. My efforts are in vain. I am losing - to Love, that is.

I'm realizing every day that Love wins; it wins me. In my battles, I am fighting so hard to live and love, when ironically I'm losing to a Love that is taking me over. It's like I'm swimming towards the boat, trying so hard to get inside so I can start making progress, so I can start moving forward in life, and all He wants me to do is stop and drown - drown in the waves of His Love.

It's so contradictory to what I've thought all my life. I've constantly chased after this life I think He wants me to live, and He wants me to stop and let Him consume me. He wants me to stop fighting and let Love win. And I've thought all along I had to "reach the boat" to get to the Love and where I can finally act out of that Love. I just need to give up and let Love wash over me - over, and over, and over again. And then let the tide take me where He wills.

Stop swimming for the boat. Drown. Let the water seep into my lungs until they're so full that it hurts to breathe. I will die, that is for sure.

But Love wins.

(original post: http://sarahelizabethgriffin.blogspot.com/2007/10/love-wins.html)